Panicked Kernels

We were held up west of the Rockies...



it was years in the future and we were survivors
There were these assholes ,who were clean and immortal and it turns out that after 500 years of being a zombie, you revert back into being a human, retaining all your awesome super hearing and invincibility, but regaining all your human traits as welland they totally over ran us
and it was confusing because they were humans, but we knew something was up
they were very assholish in nature and had this deviious wicked look in their eyes
at the end of the day i escaped to canada by myself
, you insisted that i go, and you held them off as long as you could
we remained in radio contact for a couple of days, but it was super freaky
they called it zombie humanisim and i had my glock and it was like a bb gun

it was super scary because its like we knew... more would be coming, and they were total assholes like pretty boys and pretty girls with too much money and time on their hands
and you were rocking the beard
and weilding an old ass ww2 carbine rifle

we had this kinda stilt house


to be continued ...

while on a walk during my break at work...

I realized that the name of the ashtrays around my
building would make a perfect Jimmy Buffet song
... the are called Smoker's Oasis

, how perfect
Smokin' oasis, the liquor's gone tasteless, my friends in low places set their ships to the wind. Fishin' for wishes, & wishin' for fishes, i inhale with big sales, blow out & grin.

Hey Dudes Rent this!

Life has thrown us a loop, and so we need a roommate (preferably female)
ASAP, preferably for the month of December. Below is a description of the duplex apartment that we would share, as well as other pertinent information:
*$200 per month plus utilities (including internet)… This works out to be about $250-265 per month,(tiny bit more through the winter)
*3 BR, 1 Bath/shower
*living room
*kitchen
*accessory room
*washer/dryer on site in utility room!

*Hardwood floors in all rooms (except kitchen and bath)

*Wireless high-speed world-wide-webbery


The house is located in Chicken Hill, near the intersection of Clingman Ave. and Hilliard Ave., which is close to the Clingman/Patton intersection. It is about as close to living downtown (1 mile away) as possible (without actually living in one of the zillion dollar lofts). It’s an excellently quiet neighborhood with awesome neighbors (Hanger Hall is at the end of my street). My landlord is an amazingly chill and humble guy, about as understanding and easy to get along with as you’ll meet. The house is not a Montford palace, but certainly not a dump, either. It’s enormous considering the cost of living here.

About us:

I am a 29-year-old progressive , agnostic but spiritual dude, full-time student at UNCA. I ride bicycles (road, track, mtb)...a lot. I am 99% vegan, 100% drug-free, anarcho-libertarian/communitarian, but that’s not to be misinterpreted as “nazi”. I love good music, good food, and good people. I’d rather be outside, but I love to kick it with the feet up and watch a movie or talk, too. I like sharing food, but that means you gotta ante up, yourself. Right?

Roommate Derek is black:


Your requirements:
Mature, preferably mid-late 20’s. Younger people, even students will be considered, but you need to demonstrate to us that you’re grown up enough to handle the responsibilities that come with such an endeavor.

*One month’s deposit, plus first month’s rent up front
*Friendly/kind
*Dependable/trust-worthy
*Not a smoker (NEVER), nor will you allow friends to smoke in the house. This seems to be a tough one to understand. Let’s clarify. Do you smoke cigarettes, pipes, (clove cigarettes count)? EVER? If the answer is “yes”, ”sometimes”, or anything else in the affirmative, please move on to ANY OTHER AD. Please, please, please don’t respond to this expecting to trick us. Smoke smells, and that’s part of what we’re trying to avoid here. If you do not smoke, please continue reading.

*Extroverted/outgoing (“funny” would also be nice. We’ll trust your judgment.) crucial understanding: it is NOT funny to yell “Free Bird!” at any show…even a Lynard Skynard show… seriously. If you think that that kind of thing is funny, the banter between roommates Derek and Matt will appear strange to you, and you will feel alienated. Don’t even consider this ad an option if you think that is funny.
*Employed and/or financially secure/responsible
*Clean/considerate: roommate Matt has extreme dust, mold, and other environmental allergies (cats, champa flower[in nag champa], etc.). Please sweep/vacuum the floor every now and then. We don’t care if you never take a shower in your life. Just don’t leave us a sink full of dishes or pee all over the toilet. Right right?
*Environmentally conscious, cool with composting everything and minimizing waste, gathering gray water in the shower/bathtub, okay with thermostat set to 60˚-62˚ through the winter (put some clothes on!).
*Dog-friendly: roommate Matt is the dogfather
of the greatest dog of all time, and she often visits when her schedule permits it.
*No throwing parties. We dig people a lot, but if we want to party we go to someone else’s party
ACCEPTABLE
*If you decide you want to move out, we need AT LEAST a month’s notice.

Are you, or any of your friends interested? Please follow the Craigslist link to contact us via email. We welcome any questions you may have, and look forward to meeting you. *EDIT* - The Yahoo! map works. The google map doesn't.

11 Park Ave. N at Hilliard Ave. google map yahoo map

Matt Dinsmore

There was a time when I had a short sword

, and Rasul had a gun, and Michael Jordan

was threatening to come into our kitchen, and I was dead set that if he reached into the kitchen through the open window I was gonna chop his arm off,
and Rasul swore he was gonna shoot him. That would have been okay with me. He was high on crack cocaine!

8th grade breaking up is hard to do...

There was this girl Sarah I pretended to know once. I say pretended because honestly I couldn't tell you one thing about her and distinctly remember one conversation, the conversation that made me believe perhaps she was less than thrilled with the knowledge that we were 'going out'. Which is odd because it makes one wonder why the hell we were going out.

I was sitting there and she blurted out, "I can't do anything sexual, I'm saving myself for the sea."

That one threw me for a minute and I just sat there. Not a lot to say in reply to that and even so I searched for one. Finally after sitting there on the swing, kicking at the woodchips I said, "Saving your self for the sea... because like you're planning on being married to the sea one day?"

"Yeah, like that."

"Oh." I said and was silent again. I know that seems like a rare thing for me, and it is. Not that I love the sound of my own voice so much but more because what I have to say is almost guaranteed to be better than anything someone else has to say, so it feels like a duty to say it and head them off at the pass. I'm doing them a favor, not only do they get to hear me they don't get to say whatever stupid shit they were about to say that would just be embarrassing when they thought about it later. But finally, I added, "Why is that exactly? I kind of only thought that happened in like movies and that song Brandy."

"Its a sailor thing, you wouldn't understand it."

"Oh, right. Ok, but, and I'll point this out but don't be mad that I do, you aren't a sailor."

"Well, not physically but in my soul I am."

"So do you physically understand why? Or just like in your soul."

"Well, mentally I understand."

"Right. That's probably the best type of understanding." I said, adding after some more silence, "So, um, I guess that means we're broken up, what with you wanting to be faithful to, you know, the sea and all."

"Well, no, not yet."

"So we will break up but not yet?"

"Right. I want to make Mike A jealous first so if we could go out a couple more weeks."

"But we can't do anything because of the sea and how angry it could get."

"Its less of an anger thing than it is a desire to be faithful."

"Well, at least that's noble."

"Yeah."

I wish I could look her up and figure out if she ever became a sailor. If not, considering we went out for like 3+ weeks in 8th grade I am entitled at least 1-2 make out sessions and I should be able to 'feel her up'. And that's at the least.

Brian's a Douchebag

so this friend of mine brian. yeah well he is a douchebag... the end

mmmmmmmmBRAINS!

I haven't talked about Zombies yet. That seems strange, doesn't it? I love Zombies. Everyone who knows me knows I love Zombies. Still, it's hard not to feel a little Zombie fatigue when they are the hip thing on the internet. Or I guess were a year ago. Nothing has replaced them though. It went Ninjas to Pirates to Zombies. What else is there? I don't know, I'm actually pretty tired, my neck hurts, and I'm really light headed for some reason. I don't think I'm drunk, drunk is more fun. Whatever, I've rambled enough, let's talk (and by I talk I mean I write and you read) about Dawn of the Dead.







This is probably the best Zombie movie ever made. There could be arguments I guess but those arguments would be wrong. I guess some jackass could point out opinions aren't wrong or right. That jackass would also be wrong. Go ahead, disagree, see what I call you. Anyway, the movie is about a group of survivors who take a news station helicopter and get the hell away from Philadelphia. The city is of course full of evil, drooling pasty human looking creatures who are violent and irrational, if you've ever been to Philadelphia or talked to an Eagles fan you know what I'm talking about. Also, in the movie there are zombies there. (See what I did there?)



Anyway, jokes aside the survivors find a mall with a helipad and set down. That's where the real movie starts. This movie isn't about zombies, no good zombie movie is about the zombies. A good Zombie movie knows that Zombies are actually pretty fucking boring. They have no personality and they kind of just lurch around. A good Zombie movie is about the survivors. Where this one gets unique is in the tension it doesn't have in parts and how that adds to the tension later. In Night of the Living Dead the survivors in the farm house are at each other's throats constantly and in constant danger. In this movie the survivors work well together and get the mall secure and zombie free pretty easily.



What they fall prey to then is boredom more than anything. The movie has some pretty nice commentary on human consumerism as well. After all, you go to a mall for safety. All the zombies show up at the mall. Why? Well, it's where they remember wanting to be. The muzak pumps through the mall the entire time. Also, as with any good Zombie movie what dooms the survivors are not the Zombies but instead other humans. You see, Zombies aren't good or evil, they don't have the cognitive capacity for morality. They just exist and eat. Humans though, nothing is more evil than a human being when he wants to be.



Of course, the movie is gory as hell. There are some really nice physical effect with zombies eating body parts and such. Not that this is surprising, this is Tom Savini's first real work as a special effects guy. If you don't know who he is, he's considered the best horror special effects guy ever. It shows. You know, I'm rambling again, I've lost my point. Can we all just agree this movie is good and should be seen and zombies are cool? I hope so, I'd hate to call you a jackass