Friday, October 31, 2008
Friday, October 24, 2008
mmmmmmmmBRAINS!
I haven't talked about Zombies yet. That seems strange, doesn't it? I love Zombies. Everyone who knows me knows I love Zombies. Still, it's hard not to feel a little Zombie fatigue when they are the hip thing on the internet. Or I guess were a year ago. Nothing has replaced them though. It went Ninjas to Pirates to Zombies. What else is there? I don't know, I'm actually pretty tired, my neck hurts, and I'm really light headed for some reason. I don't think I'm drunk, drunk is more fun. Whatever, I've rambled enough, let's talk (and by I talk I mean I write and you read) about Dawn of the Dead.
This is probably the best Zombie movie ever made. There could be arguments I guess but those arguments would be wrong. I guess some jackass could point out opinions aren't wrong or right. That jackass would also be wrong. Go ahead, disagree, see what I call you. Anyway, the movie is about a group of survivors who take a news station helicopter and get the hell away from Philadelphia. The city is of course full of evil, drooling pasty human looking creatures who are violent and irrational, if you've ever been to Philadelphia or talked to an Eagles fan you know what I'm talking about. Also, in the movie there are zombies there. (See what I did there?)
Anyway, jokes aside the survivors find a mall with a helipad and set down. That's where the real movie starts. This movie isn't about zombies, no good zombie movie is about the zombies. A good Zombie movie knows that Zombies are actually pretty fucking boring. They have no personality and they kind of just lurch around. A good Zombie movie is about the survivors. Where this one gets unique is in the tension it doesn't have in parts and how that adds to the tension later. In Night of the Living Dead the survivors in the farm house are at each other's throats constantly and in constant danger. In this movie the survivors work well together and get the mall secure and zombie free pretty easily.
What they fall prey to then is boredom more than anything. The movie has some pretty nice commentary on human consumerism as well. After all, you go to a mall for safety. All the zombies show up at the mall. Why? Well, it's where they remember wanting to be. The muzak pumps through the mall the entire time. Also, as with any good Zombie movie what dooms the survivors are not the Zombies but instead other humans. You see, Zombies aren't good or evil, they don't have the cognitive capacity for morality. They just exist and eat. Humans though, nothing is more evil than a human being when he wants to be.
Of course, the movie is gory as hell. There are some really nice physical effect with zombies eating body parts and such. Not that this is surprising, this is Tom Savini's first real work as a special effects guy. If you don't know who he is, he's considered the best horror special effects guy ever. It shows. You know, I'm rambling again, I've lost my point. Can we all just agree this movie is good and should be seen and zombies are cool? I hope so, I'd hate to call you a jackass
This is probably the best Zombie movie ever made. There could be arguments I guess but those arguments would be wrong. I guess some jackass could point out opinions aren't wrong or right. That jackass would also be wrong. Go ahead, disagree, see what I call you. Anyway, the movie is about a group of survivors who take a news station helicopter and get the hell away from Philadelphia. The city is of course full of evil, drooling pasty human looking creatures who are violent and irrational, if you've ever been to Philadelphia or talked to an Eagles fan you know what I'm talking about. Also, in the movie there are zombies there. (See what I did there?)
Anyway, jokes aside the survivors find a mall with a helipad and set down. That's where the real movie starts. This movie isn't about zombies, no good zombie movie is about the zombies. A good Zombie movie knows that Zombies are actually pretty fucking boring. They have no personality and they kind of just lurch around. A good Zombie movie is about the survivors. Where this one gets unique is in the tension it doesn't have in parts and how that adds to the tension later. In Night of the Living Dead the survivors in the farm house are at each other's throats constantly and in constant danger. In this movie the survivors work well together and get the mall secure and zombie free pretty easily.
What they fall prey to then is boredom more than anything. The movie has some pretty nice commentary on human consumerism as well. After all, you go to a mall for safety. All the zombies show up at the mall. Why? Well, it's where they remember wanting to be. The muzak pumps through the mall the entire time. Also, as with any good Zombie movie what dooms the survivors are not the Zombies but instead other humans. You see, Zombies aren't good or evil, they don't have the cognitive capacity for morality. They just exist and eat. Humans though, nothing is more evil than a human being when he wants to be.
Of course, the movie is gory as hell. There are some really nice physical effect with zombies eating body parts and such. Not that this is surprising, this is Tom Savini's first real work as a special effects guy. If you don't know who he is, he's considered the best horror special effects guy ever. It shows. You know, I'm rambling again, I've lost my point. Can we all just agree this movie is good and should be seen and zombies are cool? I hope so, I'd hate to call you a jackass
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Drinking Pizza Movie Reviews: Pineapple Express.
Asheville Brewing Company is the local second run movie theater, which also serves pizza and beer. Great friends, great food and cheap movies. Does life get any better?
I remember talking to Shaun on AIM and linking him to the trailer for Pineapple Express. The first thing I though was "Wow, Seth Rogan is making a pothead buddy flick (why didn't the word "pothead" come up as a spelling error?)" My next thought was "Wow, this song is crazy dope" (Paper Planes by M.I.A).
I didn't catch the movie when it came out originally, but now that it's at the local second run theater, Asheville Brewing Company, I thought this would be a great time to see if this movie would be as entertaining as I thought it would be. The short answer is a solid no. Much like trying to conquer one of those softball sized jawbreakers, this movie started off sweet and inviting, but ended with the thought "This was a better idea two hours ago".
Quick Synopsis. Dale Denton (Seth Rogan) is a 25 year old marijuana addicted process server, dating an 18 year old high school student. His current dealer is Saul, an unkempt slacker with a passion for 2-2-7...wait for it.....
After receiving the sneak preview of the titular strand of ganja called "Pineapple Express", Dale witnesses the murder of a chinaman, who I assume did not take the knees of anyone in Vietnam, and is seen fleeing the scene of the crime by the killer and his accomplice Rosie "Angry Dancer" Perez. During his getaway Dale leaves a roach of the rare strand behind, allowing the killer/drug lord to figure out who the witness may be. After alerting Saul, they decide to get out of dodge before they drug lord puts the pieces together.
The Positive: The movie starts off well enough and you get settled in to a rather exciting crime comedy. The characters are all original and offer a lot of laughs. The friendship that evolves between Dale and Saul is well done, as they try to bridge the gap between dealer and user. Anyone who knows the dynamics of this particular symbiotic system will find more laughs than others. Though I couldn't imagine going on a road trip with my Robotussin dealer.
The Negative: Overall, the movie is just too ridiculous for it's own good. From what I can tell, a great deal of the dialogue is improved, but fails to shine through the poorly delivered plot. As with most comedies these days, the humor seems front loaded and 3/4ths the way through you start checking your watch waiting for the credits to roll. The violence is very Itchy and Scratchyesque, providing laughs at first then like the rest of the movie, wears out it's welcome by the end. Also, why in the world would a movie about and for potheads run almost 2 hours (Why did the word "potheads" just alert my spell check...one must be okay). You could actually feel the collective high wear off amongst those "partaking" in the audience. Must have been hell in the kitchen. I've never seen so many gummi bear pizzas eaten in one night.
Overall: Meh. ABC movies are only 3 bucks, which is about 1 and 1/2 slices of pizza. I'm still debating whether or not I should have ordered a slice and watched college football at the bar for my friends instead. If you like Seth Rogan, pick it up as a rental when it comes out. I wouldn't buy a the DVD though...just save the $20, get high and watch Cops instead...or episodes of Sanford & Son...you big dummy.
Quick List: My current Top 5 Marijuana based movies.
1. Half Baked: I'm not sure if it can be topped.
2. Harold and Kumarr Go to White Castle: Such a surprise. Too bad the sequel was the dud bud.
3. Cheech and Chong Nice Dreams: This movie brought tears to my eyes even before I knew what ganja was...haven't seen it since though...which just ain't right.
4. Weirdsville: Know one knows about this film, but its just a great low budget film. Netflix Gold!
5. Pineapple Express: Let's just say there is a lack of competition. I wanted to put Lock, Stock and Two Smoking barrels here, but Seth Rogan is actually funny, just didn't hit with this one.
Wonder why I call her Rosie "Angry Dancer" Perez...view on oh curious reader and remember to fight the power!:
I remember talking to Shaun on AIM and linking him to the trailer for Pineapple Express. The first thing I though was "Wow, Seth Rogan is making a pothead buddy flick (why didn't the word "pothead" come up as a spelling error?)" My next thought was "Wow, this song is crazy dope" (Paper Planes by M.I.A).
I didn't catch the movie when it came out originally, but now that it's at the local second run theater, Asheville Brewing Company, I thought this would be a great time to see if this movie would be as entertaining as I thought it would be. The short answer is a solid no. Much like trying to conquer one of those softball sized jawbreakers, this movie started off sweet and inviting, but ended with the thought "This was a better idea two hours ago".
Quick Synopsis. Dale Denton (Seth Rogan) is a 25 year old marijuana addicted process server, dating an 18 year old high school student. His current dealer is Saul, an unkempt slacker with a passion for 2-2-7...wait for it.....
"OOOHHH MARY"
After receiving the sneak preview of the titular strand of ganja called "Pineapple Express", Dale witnesses the murder of a chinaman, who I assume did not take the knees of anyone in Vietnam, and is seen fleeing the scene of the crime by the killer and his accomplice Rosie "Angry Dancer" Perez. During his getaway Dale leaves a roach of the rare strand behind, allowing the killer/drug lord to figure out who the witness may be. After alerting Saul, they decide to get out of dodge before they drug lord puts the pieces together.
The Positive: The movie starts off well enough and you get settled in to a rather exciting crime comedy. The characters are all original and offer a lot of laughs. The friendship that evolves between Dale and Saul is well done, as they try to bridge the gap between dealer and user. Anyone who knows the dynamics of this particular symbiotic system will find more laughs than others. Though I couldn't imagine going on a road trip with my Robotussin dealer.
The Negative: Overall, the movie is just too ridiculous for it's own good. From what I can tell, a great deal of the dialogue is improved, but fails to shine through the poorly delivered plot. As with most comedies these days, the humor seems front loaded and 3/4ths the way through you start checking your watch waiting for the credits to roll. The violence is very Itchy and Scratchyesque, providing laughs at first then like the rest of the movie, wears out it's welcome by the end. Also, why in the world would a movie about and for potheads run almost 2 hours (Why did the word "potheads" just alert my spell check...one must be okay). You could actually feel the collective high wear off amongst those "partaking" in the audience. Must have been hell in the kitchen. I've never seen so many gummi bear pizzas eaten in one night.
Overall: Meh. ABC movies are only 3 bucks, which is about 1 and 1/2 slices of pizza. I'm still debating whether or not I should have ordered a slice and watched college football at the bar for my friends instead. If you like Seth Rogan, pick it up as a rental when it comes out. I wouldn't buy a the DVD though...just save the $20, get high and watch Cops instead...or episodes of Sanford & Son...you big dummy.
Quick List: My current Top 5 Marijuana based movies.
1. Half Baked: I'm not sure if it can be topped.
2. Harold and Kumarr Go to White Castle: Such a surprise. Too bad the sequel was the dud bud.
3. Cheech and Chong Nice Dreams: This movie brought tears to my eyes even before I knew what ganja was...haven't seen it since though...which just ain't right.
4. Weirdsville: Know one knows about this film, but its just a great low budget film. Netflix Gold!
5. Pineapple Express: Let's just say there is a lack of competition. I wanted to put Lock, Stock and Two Smoking barrels here, but Seth Rogan is actually funny, just didn't hit with this one.
Wonder why I call her Rosie "Angry Dancer" Perez...view on oh curious reader and remember to fight the power!:
Friday, October 17, 2008
Brian's Review
What? Are we really back to slashers again? Didn't we get enough of those? Well, yes, we did. This is different though, that was a count down, now I'm just addressing any damn thing I am interested in. And I am interested in this, probably the gayest slasher movie ever. Yes, gayest. No, not in some Junior High way where gay means lame, instead where gay means homosexual. I present to you the homosexual Nightmare on Elm Street: A Nightmare on Elm Street part 2: Freddy's Revenge.
So yeah, this is the Nightmare on Elm Street no one likes. Why? Well, it isn't actually because we're all giant homophobes, it's because it just doesn't fit. Thing is, the first Nightmare was purposely not set up for a sequel. Wes Craven hates them. He didn't want there to be another, he thought the movie worked best on it's own. He was right. Of course, there was an argument for making a sequel. It was basically this: KA-CHING! That's pretty damn compelling. And it meant a director was left with no real idea of what to do and this was a miss for the series.
As a stand alone movie though it's actually pretty good. This is a good little horror movie about the struggles of a closeted young man struggling with his homosexuality. The issue with this is no one actually went to this movie wanting to see that. Certainly no 8 year olds picked this up for a slumber party going, "Hey, man I got the first 4 Nightmare on Elms Streets, I can't wait to watch 3 movies about Freddy terrorizing people in their dreams and a movie about a young man's struggle and concern as to if he should side with his girlfriend or give in and let a man inside of him". Well, at least no 8 year olds I knew.
So let's get on to the gayness. Yes, I know what I just said there, yes, I know someone will have a field day with that. Consider it a gift. The movie is just full of homoerotic overtones. All slashers are full of phallic metaphores but usually it's a guy girl thing. Probably the first thing it has skewing it this way is the lead. Usually we have a final girl. Here we have a final guy, played by a pretty obviously gay actor and our intro to him is him waking up shirtless, sweaty, and screaming. Pretty soon he and the hunk of the movie are playing baseball, pantsing each other, and then wrestling in the dirt with their pants around their ankles. No, I'm not making any of that up. That is exactly what happens. This guy is his rival to start but they become best friends. They... well it's hard to describe honestly, the way they react to one another reminds me of the time's I'd tease Amanda Mortal in 6th grade because I didn't know yet how to talk to a girl I liked. So you know, that's the general vibe.
Then there is the dance scene. Our main character Jesse dances around in his underwear to a very 80's son, holding a little mini baseball bat between his thighs and stroking it. Why? Man, your guess is as good as mine. Jesse has a girlfriend by the way. She is very nice and very pretty and they pretty much do nothing more than hold hands. Ah, the sad, sad life of a high school beard. His girlfriend really stands out. She would be the final girl in any other movie but here she is the resourceful girlfriend who keeps trying to help her boyfriend deal with his problem, this evil he fears is inside him and wants to come out.
Oh yeah, that's the big part of this movie. Freddy possesses poor Jesse. He even says he wants to be inside him at one point. And he is. Jesse kills for Freddy. Freddy pops out of Jesse sometimes. Most notably when Jesse and his girlfriend are finally alone Jesse freaks out when she bares her breasts. Freddy comes out and kills. Jesse runs to his hunky best friends house in fear of sex with girls and hides in his bedroom with him.
Oh yeah, and his gym teacher is gay. For some reason Jesse wanders into a gay leather club where his gym teacher finds him. The teacher drags him to the school and makes him run laps and then watches Jesse shower. Um, then the gym teacher is tied to the shower heads, stripped and whipped with jump ropes. But my entire point here isn't actually that this movie is gay, that's just something that makes it very interesting. Watching it as an adult it is impossible to see this as anything other than a movie about a kid struggling with his sexuality.
That's what makes this so good actually. Everyone has shit they fear and high school is the fucking worst for this. Jesse wants nothing more than to conform and fit in. He's the new kid in town, he feels like an outsider. The dark secret he is fighting to keep inside only makes this worse. This whole thing is about his desire to fit in and deny what he really is. The movie does well playing with what is where. It is constantly disorienting in a way that is hard to describe but it makes it extremely difficult to know what is and isn't real. We feel off balance the entire movie.
The movie certainly has it's issues and it's gay subtext isn't that forward thinking (Jesse is cured of his possession by a kiss from his girlfriend, when he finally suppresses Freddy through loving a woman). Thing is, if it wasn't Freddy and instead was say, the Night Man (3 people will get that), this would be an excellent 80's horror film. Probably one of the richest 80's horror films when it comes to layers and themes. Which is why I decided to write about it. I have had 2 people watch this movie giving them the heads up to watch it as the gay Nightmare. They both agreed that yes it is very gay and yes, it was way better than they remembered thinking it was.
So yeah, this is the Nightmare on Elm Street no one likes. Why? Well, it isn't actually because we're all giant homophobes, it's because it just doesn't fit. Thing is, the first Nightmare was purposely not set up for a sequel. Wes Craven hates them. He didn't want there to be another, he thought the movie worked best on it's own. He was right. Of course, there was an argument for making a sequel. It was basically this: KA-CHING! That's pretty damn compelling. And it meant a director was left with no real idea of what to do and this was a miss for the series.
As a stand alone movie though it's actually pretty good. This is a good little horror movie about the struggles of a closeted young man struggling with his homosexuality. The issue with this is no one actually went to this movie wanting to see that. Certainly no 8 year olds picked this up for a slumber party going, "Hey, man I got the first 4 Nightmare on Elms Streets, I can't wait to watch 3 movies about Freddy terrorizing people in their dreams and a movie about a young man's struggle and concern as to if he should side with his girlfriend or give in and let a man inside of him". Well, at least no 8 year olds I knew.
So let's get on to the gayness. Yes, I know what I just said there, yes, I know someone will have a field day with that. Consider it a gift. The movie is just full of homoerotic overtones. All slashers are full of phallic metaphores but usually it's a guy girl thing. Probably the first thing it has skewing it this way is the lead. Usually we have a final girl. Here we have a final guy, played by a pretty obviously gay actor and our intro to him is him waking up shirtless, sweaty, and screaming. Pretty soon he and the hunk of the movie are playing baseball, pantsing each other, and then wrestling in the dirt with their pants around their ankles. No, I'm not making any of that up. That is exactly what happens. This guy is his rival to start but they become best friends. They... well it's hard to describe honestly, the way they react to one another reminds me of the time's I'd tease Amanda Mortal in 6th grade because I didn't know yet how to talk to a girl I liked. So you know, that's the general vibe.
Then there is the dance scene. Our main character Jesse dances around in his underwear to a very 80's son, holding a little mini baseball bat between his thighs and stroking it. Why? Man, your guess is as good as mine. Jesse has a girlfriend by the way. She is very nice and very pretty and they pretty much do nothing more than hold hands. Ah, the sad, sad life of a high school beard. His girlfriend really stands out. She would be the final girl in any other movie but here she is the resourceful girlfriend who keeps trying to help her boyfriend deal with his problem, this evil he fears is inside him and wants to come out.
Oh yeah, that's the big part of this movie. Freddy possesses poor Jesse. He even says he wants to be inside him at one point. And he is. Jesse kills for Freddy. Freddy pops out of Jesse sometimes. Most notably when Jesse and his girlfriend are finally alone Jesse freaks out when she bares her breasts. Freddy comes out and kills. Jesse runs to his hunky best friends house in fear of sex with girls and hides in his bedroom with him.
Oh yeah, and his gym teacher is gay. For some reason Jesse wanders into a gay leather club where his gym teacher finds him. The teacher drags him to the school and makes him run laps and then watches Jesse shower. Um, then the gym teacher is tied to the shower heads, stripped and whipped with jump ropes. But my entire point here isn't actually that this movie is gay, that's just something that makes it very interesting. Watching it as an adult it is impossible to see this as anything other than a movie about a kid struggling with his sexuality.
That's what makes this so good actually. Everyone has shit they fear and high school is the fucking worst for this. Jesse wants nothing more than to conform and fit in. He's the new kid in town, he feels like an outsider. The dark secret he is fighting to keep inside only makes this worse. This whole thing is about his desire to fit in and deny what he really is. The movie does well playing with what is where. It is constantly disorienting in a way that is hard to describe but it makes it extremely difficult to know what is and isn't real. We feel off balance the entire movie.
The movie certainly has it's issues and it's gay subtext isn't that forward thinking (Jesse is cured of his possession by a kiss from his girlfriend, when he finally suppresses Freddy through loving a woman). Thing is, if it wasn't Freddy and instead was say, the Night Man (3 people will get that), this would be an excellent 80's horror film. Probably one of the richest 80's horror films when it comes to layers and themes. Which is why I decided to write about it. I have had 2 people watch this movie giving them the heads up to watch it as the gay Nightmare. They both agreed that yes it is very gay and yes, it was way better than they remembered thinking it was.
The ongoing rivalry between my brain and hand
It usually starts something like it did tonight. I was making Spaghetti and my brain decided to throw my hands under the bus. As always. The conversation basically went like this.
Brain: Hey, a little bit is sticking out of the pot. Go ahead, use your fingers and just push them under the water real fast.
Hand: Whoa, wait, what was that? That water is boiling. That's boiling water, don't stick your fingers in there.
Brain: Come on, just do it. It'll be quick. Be a man for once in your life and just shove the fucking spaghetti in there
Hand: Dude, the forks are right behind you. The drawer is almost hitting your ass. You don't even have to move your feet, just twist your waist and grab a god damned fork.
Brain: Oh sure, just grab a fork. It sounds so easy. Of course, then you have to wash the fork. Who wants to wash a fork. You know what that turns you into? Some sort of fork washer. Then you're not just a pussy you're a fork-washing pussy. No one likes a fork-washing pussy, you'll never get laid again. This will be the end of everything for you.
Hand: What? Ok, fine, whatever. Look, you might never get laid again anyway, that's why you need me in good health, we know it's not your brain you're going to be relying on then.
Me: Hey!
Anyway, it dissolved into vulgar lies by my hand after that so I won't force any of you to see that. Either way, it's nice to feel like a man. A man with a pair of throbbing, burned fingers.
Brain: Hey, a little bit is sticking out of the pot. Go ahead, use your fingers and just push them under the water real fast.
Hand: Whoa, wait, what was that? That water is boiling. That's boiling water, don't stick your fingers in there.
Brain: Come on, just do it. It'll be quick. Be a man for once in your life and just shove the fucking spaghetti in there
Hand: Dude, the forks are right behind you. The drawer is almost hitting your ass. You don't even have to move your feet, just twist your waist and grab a god damned fork.
Brain: Oh sure, just grab a fork. It sounds so easy. Of course, then you have to wash the fork. Who wants to wash a fork. You know what that turns you into? Some sort of fork washer. Then you're not just a pussy you're a fork-washing pussy. No one likes a fork-washing pussy, you'll never get laid again. This will be the end of everything for you.
Hand: What? Ok, fine, whatever. Look, you might never get laid again anyway, that's why you need me in good health, we know it's not your brain you're going to be relying on then.
Me: Hey!
Anyway, it dissolved into vulgar lies by my hand after that so I won't force any of you to see that. Either way, it's nice to feel like a man. A man with a pair of throbbing, burned fingers.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Brian is Pissed
I don't see how you can defend those alternative energy monstrosities. Sure, it was fine when it was just the odd old little windmills dotting the countryside, but we're talking about a fucking INVASION now. My dad supported us when I was little by turning a crank at a steady rate for 19 hours a day, you fucker. Guess who gets all the crank-turning jobs now? Yeah.
They take our JOBS, they feed off of our TAX DOLLARS . . . they even take our women. My wife of two years left me for a windmill because it got promoted to shift manager at the crank-turning yard. SHIFT MANAGER. And he doesn't even speak proper English! He speaks that crazy windmill language that's all WOOSH WOOSH WOOSH with the blades cutting through the air
The minigolf course by Fuddruckers was restricted to good, honest folk in my dad's time, and now this FUCKING WINDMILL stands in the middle of the eighth hole and keeps kicking my ball away from the hole, LAUGHING AT ME, and when I shouted at him SECURITY ESCORTED ME OUT. I WAS A PAYING CUSTOMER. FUCK. FUCK YOU.
They take our JOBS, they feed off of our TAX DOLLARS . . . they even take our women. My wife of two years left me for a windmill because it got promoted to shift manager at the crank-turning yard. SHIFT MANAGER. And he doesn't even speak proper English! He speaks that crazy windmill language that's all WOOSH WOOSH WOOSH with the blades cutting through the air
The minigolf course by Fuddruckers was restricted to good, honest folk in my dad's time, and now this FUCKING WINDMILL stands in the middle of the eighth hole and keeps kicking my ball away from the hole, LAUGHING AT ME, and when I shouted at him SECURITY ESCORTED ME OUT. I WAS A PAYING CUSTOMER. FUCK. FUCK YOU.
Work can be so great !
“ Keep mess’n with tha atmosphere … go’n send rockets here n there …. Places we don’t need even need to know about! This'll be what y'all reap!”- Ronnie Martin after talking about the recent Tornado in Iowa that blasted through a boy scout camp
I hope if a disaster happens around here that the local news interviews him so he can provide his opinion on anything!
I hope if a disaster happens around here that the local news interviews him so he can provide his opinion on anything!
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
A Salesman's Breakfast by: Brian Miller
A salesman's breakfast consists of a cup of coffee, usually black, and a cigarette. There are some variations on this but typically this is a salesman's breakfast. This stems not from poverty or any wish for bad health but from boredom. Boredom used to dominate our lives and by the end I was usually drinking about 15-18 cups a day. I didn't smoke you see so I drank the coffee twice as fast while standing outside waiting for fresh ups.
It of course wasn't the only thing we did to relieve boredom. We had games. Our favorite game was called hit on the greeter. We had three greeters who welcomed customers and directed them to the salesmen. Two were named Christine and one was not. The one that was not was old and unattractive and as such any details of her life were unimportant then and certainly are not remembered now. The two Christines though, they were certainly worth our time. Especially the first one. She was in her mid 30's, stunningly beautiful in that slender classic way. She was a single mother working a second job to support her family and so clearly better than the lot of us that it was laughable. Yet every night when she was there 1 by 1 we would try out luck. Striking up conversations with her, trying different ploy after different ploy to... well I don't know what really. It never got that far. Certainly we didn't want anything real. A trip to the back of a Volvo on a satellite lot? Hardly seemed likely but we tried and we failed time and time again.
The second Christine was younger, a student working her way through school. Unlike her older counter part she was shorter, more accurately described as cute and pretty than as beautiful. Not that it stopped any of us from plying out trade. She was more receptive, after all scum bags and liars are typically more attractive to a wide eyed 19 year old than they are to world weary 34 year olds. Of course, the girls we picked up in bars were typically a little better looking and frankly we wouldn't have to see them the next day, so most of us just practiced and moved on, claiming a need to make calls and follow ups. She was pretty though and far more interesting. She had just returned from a semester in Paris, she was an art major, and when Add It Up came on the radio one day we sang the entire song together. She even had a story about being a 14 year old Courtney Love, calling herself Polly for a year and arriving at a school dance in a baby doll, bleached blond hair and a tiara. I of course immediately stood no shot once I began to actually think I had a chance with her. No, she had a rotating crush on Rob and then Larry and then Ruzello and then Kevin and then Artie. See, nature understood what a bad idea the mix of a salesman and a greeter actually would be. So eventually I got bored with the game.
We would torture Larry. We would steal things from the desks of the guys in the Honda Dealership next door. We'd sneak naps in the nap room which was really the boiler room with a shitty orange recliner. We'd listen to Mr. Burns disturbing stories of anonymous, gay mens room sex. I'd put on a long coat and do my stoner impression. We threw tennis balls at a VW logo before one day it came crashing down, we all agreed we'd been working and it had just fallen. And every now and then Steve Campo would come out screaming at us to get to work. Oh how we hated that son of a bitch. He knew we had nothing to do but anytime he was in a bad mood he would tear into us. And he was god damned good at it. It was a real testament to his ability as a salesman that even though we all hated him we all kind of liked him, too. He was one of those truly rotten sons of bitches everyone liked. Of course, he was 4 times divorced so the honeymoon clearly ended at some point.
But we hated that son of a bitch. I'll never forget the day we saw him put some dealer tags on the Z3 we had sitting in the used lot and then ushered the older Christine into it. He smirked at us as he let her in and sped off on the middle of the evening. Artie took a long drag of his cigarette and said to no one in particular though I was the only one there, “I really hate that cock sucker.” I sipped my coffee and nodded.
It of course wasn't the only thing we did to relieve boredom. We had games. Our favorite game was called hit on the greeter. We had three greeters who welcomed customers and directed them to the salesmen. Two were named Christine and one was not. The one that was not was old and unattractive and as such any details of her life were unimportant then and certainly are not remembered now. The two Christines though, they were certainly worth our time. Especially the first one. She was in her mid 30's, stunningly beautiful in that slender classic way. She was a single mother working a second job to support her family and so clearly better than the lot of us that it was laughable. Yet every night when she was there 1 by 1 we would try out luck. Striking up conversations with her, trying different ploy after different ploy to... well I don't know what really. It never got that far. Certainly we didn't want anything real. A trip to the back of a Volvo on a satellite lot? Hardly seemed likely but we tried and we failed time and time again.
The second Christine was younger, a student working her way through school. Unlike her older counter part she was shorter, more accurately described as cute and pretty than as beautiful. Not that it stopped any of us from plying out trade. She was more receptive, after all scum bags and liars are typically more attractive to a wide eyed 19 year old than they are to world weary 34 year olds. Of course, the girls we picked up in bars were typically a little better looking and frankly we wouldn't have to see them the next day, so most of us just practiced and moved on, claiming a need to make calls and follow ups. She was pretty though and far more interesting. She had just returned from a semester in Paris, she was an art major, and when Add It Up came on the radio one day we sang the entire song together. She even had a story about being a 14 year old Courtney Love, calling herself Polly for a year and arriving at a school dance in a baby doll, bleached blond hair and a tiara. I of course immediately stood no shot once I began to actually think I had a chance with her. No, she had a rotating crush on Rob and then Larry and then Ruzello and then Kevin and then Artie. See, nature understood what a bad idea the mix of a salesman and a greeter actually would be. So eventually I got bored with the game.
We would torture Larry. We would steal things from the desks of the guys in the Honda Dealership next door. We'd sneak naps in the nap room which was really the boiler room with a shitty orange recliner. We'd listen to Mr. Burns disturbing stories of anonymous, gay mens room sex. I'd put on a long coat and do my stoner impression. We threw tennis balls at a VW logo before one day it came crashing down, we all agreed we'd been working and it had just fallen. And every now and then Steve Campo would come out screaming at us to get to work. Oh how we hated that son of a bitch. He knew we had nothing to do but anytime he was in a bad mood he would tear into us. And he was god damned good at it. It was a real testament to his ability as a salesman that even though we all hated him we all kind of liked him, too. He was one of those truly rotten sons of bitches everyone liked. Of course, he was 4 times divorced so the honeymoon clearly ended at some point.
But we hated that son of a bitch. I'll never forget the day we saw him put some dealer tags on the Z3 we had sitting in the used lot and then ushered the older Christine into it. He smirked at us as he let her in and sped off on the middle of the evening. Artie took a long drag of his cigarette and said to no one in particular though I was the only one there, “I really hate that cock sucker.” I sipped my coffee and nodded.
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