Panicked Kernels

We were held up west of the Rockies...



it was years in the future and we were survivors
There were these assholes ,who were clean and immortal and it turns out that after 500 years of being a zombie, you revert back into being a human, retaining all your awesome super hearing and invincibility, but regaining all your human traits as welland they totally over ran us
and it was confusing because they were humans, but we knew something was up
they were very assholish in nature and had this deviious wicked look in their eyes
at the end of the day i escaped to canada by myself
, you insisted that i go, and you held them off as long as you could
we remained in radio contact for a couple of days, but it was super freaky
they called it zombie humanisim and i had my glock and it was like a bb gun

it was super scary because its like we knew... more would be coming, and they were total assholes like pretty boys and pretty girls with too much money and time on their hands
and you were rocking the beard
and weilding an old ass ww2 carbine rifle

we had this kinda stilt house


to be continued ...

while on a walk during my break at work...

I realized that the name of the ashtrays around my
building would make a perfect Jimmy Buffet song
... the are called Smoker's Oasis

, how perfect
Smokin' oasis, the liquor's gone tasteless, my friends in low places set their ships to the wind. Fishin' for wishes, & wishin' for fishes, i inhale with big sales, blow out & grin.

Hey Dudes Rent this!

Life has thrown us a loop, and so we need a roommate (preferably female)
ASAP, preferably for the month of December. Below is a description of the duplex apartment that we would share, as well as other pertinent information:
*$200 per month plus utilities (including internet)… This works out to be about $250-265 per month,(tiny bit more through the winter)
*3 BR, 1 Bath/shower
*living room
*kitchen
*accessory room
*washer/dryer on site in utility room!

*Hardwood floors in all rooms (except kitchen and bath)

*Wireless high-speed world-wide-webbery


The house is located in Chicken Hill, near the intersection of Clingman Ave. and Hilliard Ave., which is close to the Clingman/Patton intersection. It is about as close to living downtown (1 mile away) as possible (without actually living in one of the zillion dollar lofts). It’s an excellently quiet neighborhood with awesome neighbors (Hanger Hall is at the end of my street). My landlord is an amazingly chill and humble guy, about as understanding and easy to get along with as you’ll meet. The house is not a Montford palace, but certainly not a dump, either. It’s enormous considering the cost of living here.

About us:

I am a 29-year-old progressive , agnostic but spiritual dude, full-time student at UNCA. I ride bicycles (road, track, mtb)...a lot. I am 99% vegan, 100% drug-free, anarcho-libertarian/communitarian, but that’s not to be misinterpreted as “nazi”. I love good music, good food, and good people. I’d rather be outside, but I love to kick it with the feet up and watch a movie or talk, too. I like sharing food, but that means you gotta ante up, yourself. Right?

Roommate Derek is black:


Your requirements:
Mature, preferably mid-late 20’s. Younger people, even students will be considered, but you need to demonstrate to us that you’re grown up enough to handle the responsibilities that come with such an endeavor.

*One month’s deposit, plus first month’s rent up front
*Friendly/kind
*Dependable/trust-worthy
*Not a smoker (NEVER), nor will you allow friends to smoke in the house. This seems to be a tough one to understand. Let’s clarify. Do you smoke cigarettes, pipes, (clove cigarettes count)? EVER? If the answer is “yes”, ”sometimes”, or anything else in the affirmative, please move on to ANY OTHER AD. Please, please, please don’t respond to this expecting to trick us. Smoke smells, and that’s part of what we’re trying to avoid here. If you do not smoke, please continue reading.

*Extroverted/outgoing (“funny” would also be nice. We’ll trust your judgment.) crucial understanding: it is NOT funny to yell “Free Bird!” at any show…even a Lynard Skynard show… seriously. If you think that that kind of thing is funny, the banter between roommates Derek and Matt will appear strange to you, and you will feel alienated. Don’t even consider this ad an option if you think that is funny.
*Employed and/or financially secure/responsible
*Clean/considerate: roommate Matt has extreme dust, mold, and other environmental allergies (cats, champa flower[in nag champa], etc.). Please sweep/vacuum the floor every now and then. We don’t care if you never take a shower in your life. Just don’t leave us a sink full of dishes or pee all over the toilet. Right right?
*Environmentally conscious, cool with composting everything and minimizing waste, gathering gray water in the shower/bathtub, okay with thermostat set to 60˚-62˚ through the winter (put some clothes on!).
*Dog-friendly: roommate Matt is the dogfather
of the greatest dog of all time, and she often visits when her schedule permits it.
*No throwing parties. We dig people a lot, but if we want to party we go to someone else’s party
ACCEPTABLE
*If you decide you want to move out, we need AT LEAST a month’s notice.

Are you, or any of your friends interested? Please follow the Craigslist link to contact us via email. We welcome any questions you may have, and look forward to meeting you. *EDIT* - The Yahoo! map works. The google map doesn't.

11 Park Ave. N at Hilliard Ave. google map yahoo map

Matt Dinsmore

There was a time when I had a short sword

, and Rasul had a gun, and Michael Jordan

was threatening to come into our kitchen, and I was dead set that if he reached into the kitchen through the open window I was gonna chop his arm off,
and Rasul swore he was gonna shoot him. That would have been okay with me. He was high on crack cocaine!

8th grade breaking up is hard to do...

There was this girl Sarah I pretended to know once. I say pretended because honestly I couldn't tell you one thing about her and distinctly remember one conversation, the conversation that made me believe perhaps she was less than thrilled with the knowledge that we were 'going out'. Which is odd because it makes one wonder why the hell we were going out.

I was sitting there and she blurted out, "I can't do anything sexual, I'm saving myself for the sea."

That one threw me for a minute and I just sat there. Not a lot to say in reply to that and even so I searched for one. Finally after sitting there on the swing, kicking at the woodchips I said, "Saving your self for the sea... because like you're planning on being married to the sea one day?"

"Yeah, like that."

"Oh." I said and was silent again. I know that seems like a rare thing for me, and it is. Not that I love the sound of my own voice so much but more because what I have to say is almost guaranteed to be better than anything someone else has to say, so it feels like a duty to say it and head them off at the pass. I'm doing them a favor, not only do they get to hear me they don't get to say whatever stupid shit they were about to say that would just be embarrassing when they thought about it later. But finally, I added, "Why is that exactly? I kind of only thought that happened in like movies and that song Brandy."

"Its a sailor thing, you wouldn't understand it."

"Oh, right. Ok, but, and I'll point this out but don't be mad that I do, you aren't a sailor."

"Well, not physically but in my soul I am."

"So do you physically understand why? Or just like in your soul."

"Well, mentally I understand."

"Right. That's probably the best type of understanding." I said, adding after some more silence, "So, um, I guess that means we're broken up, what with you wanting to be faithful to, you know, the sea and all."

"Well, no, not yet."

"So we will break up but not yet?"

"Right. I want to make Mike A jealous first so if we could go out a couple more weeks."

"But we can't do anything because of the sea and how angry it could get."

"Its less of an anger thing than it is a desire to be faithful."

"Well, at least that's noble."

"Yeah."

I wish I could look her up and figure out if she ever became a sailor. If not, considering we went out for like 3+ weeks in 8th grade I am entitled at least 1-2 make out sessions and I should be able to 'feel her up'. And that's at the least.

Brian's a Douchebag

so this friend of mine brian. yeah well he is a douchebag... the end

mmmmmmmmBRAINS!

I haven't talked about Zombies yet. That seems strange, doesn't it? I love Zombies. Everyone who knows me knows I love Zombies. Still, it's hard not to feel a little Zombie fatigue when they are the hip thing on the internet. Or I guess were a year ago. Nothing has replaced them though. It went Ninjas to Pirates to Zombies. What else is there? I don't know, I'm actually pretty tired, my neck hurts, and I'm really light headed for some reason. I don't think I'm drunk, drunk is more fun. Whatever, I've rambled enough, let's talk (and by I talk I mean I write and you read) about Dawn of the Dead.







This is probably the best Zombie movie ever made. There could be arguments I guess but those arguments would be wrong. I guess some jackass could point out opinions aren't wrong or right. That jackass would also be wrong. Go ahead, disagree, see what I call you. Anyway, the movie is about a group of survivors who take a news station helicopter and get the hell away from Philadelphia. The city is of course full of evil, drooling pasty human looking creatures who are violent and irrational, if you've ever been to Philadelphia or talked to an Eagles fan you know what I'm talking about. Also, in the movie there are zombies there. (See what I did there?)



Anyway, jokes aside the survivors find a mall with a helipad and set down. That's where the real movie starts. This movie isn't about zombies, no good zombie movie is about the zombies. A good Zombie movie knows that Zombies are actually pretty fucking boring. They have no personality and they kind of just lurch around. A good Zombie movie is about the survivors. Where this one gets unique is in the tension it doesn't have in parts and how that adds to the tension later. In Night of the Living Dead the survivors in the farm house are at each other's throats constantly and in constant danger. In this movie the survivors work well together and get the mall secure and zombie free pretty easily.



What they fall prey to then is boredom more than anything. The movie has some pretty nice commentary on human consumerism as well. After all, you go to a mall for safety. All the zombies show up at the mall. Why? Well, it's where they remember wanting to be. The muzak pumps through the mall the entire time. Also, as with any good Zombie movie what dooms the survivors are not the Zombies but instead other humans. You see, Zombies aren't good or evil, they don't have the cognitive capacity for morality. They just exist and eat. Humans though, nothing is more evil than a human being when he wants to be.



Of course, the movie is gory as hell. There are some really nice physical effect with zombies eating body parts and such. Not that this is surprising, this is Tom Savini's first real work as a special effects guy. If you don't know who he is, he's considered the best horror special effects guy ever. It shows. You know, I'm rambling again, I've lost my point. Can we all just agree this movie is good and should be seen and zombies are cool? I hope so, I'd hate to call you a jackass

Drinking Pizza Movie Reviews: Pineapple Express.

Asheville Brewing Company is the local second run movie theater, which also serves pizza and beer. Great friends, great food and cheap movies. Does life get any better?

I remember talking to Shaun on AIM and linking him to the trailer for Pineapple Express. The first thing I though was "Wow, Seth Rogan is making a pothead buddy flick (why didn't the word "pothead" come up as a spelling error?)" My next thought was "Wow, this song is crazy dope" (Paper Planes by M.I.A).



I didn't catch the movie when it came out originally, but now that it's at the local second run theater, Asheville Brewing Company, I thought this would be a great time to see if this movie would be as entertaining as I thought it would be. The short answer is a solid no. Much like trying to conquer one of those softball sized jawbreakers, this movie started off sweet and inviting, but ended with the thought "This was a better idea two hours ago".

Quick Synopsis. Dale Denton (Seth Rogan) is a 25 year old marijuana addicted process server, dating an 18 year old high school student. His current dealer is Saul, an unkempt slacker with a passion for 2-2-7...wait for it.....

"OOOHHH MARY"

After receiving the sneak preview of the titular strand of ganja called "Pineapple Express", Dale witnesses the murder of a chinaman, who I assume did not take the knees of anyone in Vietnam, and is seen fleeing the scene of the crime by the killer and his accomplice Rosie "Angry Dancer" Perez. During his getaway Dale leaves a roach of the rare strand behind, allowing the killer/drug lord to figure out who the witness may be. After alerting Saul, they decide to get out of dodge before they drug lord puts the pieces together.

The Positive: The movie starts off well enough and you get settled in to a rather exciting crime comedy. The characters are all original and offer a lot of laughs. The friendship that evolves between Dale and Saul is well done, as they try to bridge the gap between dealer and user. Anyone who knows the dynamics of this particular symbiotic system will find more laughs than others. Though I couldn't imagine going on a road trip with my Robotussin dealer.

The Negative: Overall, the movie is just too ridiculous for it's own good. From what I can tell, a great deal of the dialogue is improved, but fails to shine through the poorly delivered plot. As with most comedies these days, the humor seems front loaded and 3/4ths the way through you start checking your watch waiting for the credits to roll. The violence is very Itchy and Scratchyesque, providing laughs at first then like the rest of the movie, wears out it's welcome by the end. Also, why in the world would a movie about and for potheads run almost 2 hours (Why did the word "potheads" just alert my spell check...one must be okay). You could actually feel the collective high wear off amongst those "partaking" in the audience. Must have been hell in the kitchen. I've never seen so many gummi bear pizzas eaten in one night.

Overall: Meh. ABC movies are only 3 bucks, which is about 1 and 1/2 slices of pizza. I'm still debating whether or not I should have ordered a slice and watched college football at the bar for my friends instead. If you like Seth Rogan, pick it up as a rental when it comes out. I wouldn't buy a the DVD though...just save the $20, get high and watch Cops instead...or episodes of Sanford & Son...you big dummy.


Quick List: My current Top 5 Marijuana based movies.
1. Half Baked: I'm not sure if it can be topped.
2. Harold and Kumarr Go to White Castle: Such a surprise. Too bad the sequel was the dud bud.
3. Cheech and Chong Nice Dreams: This movie brought tears to my eyes even before I knew what ganja was...haven't seen it since though...which just ain't right.
4. Weirdsville: Know one knows about this film, but its just a great low budget film. Netflix Gold!
5. Pineapple Express: Let's just say there is a lack of competition. I wanted to put Lock, Stock and Two Smoking barrels here, but Seth Rogan is actually funny, just didn't hit with this one.


Wonder why I call her Rosie "Angry Dancer" Perez...view on oh curious reader and remember to fight the power!:

Brian's Review

What? Are we really back to slashers again? Didn't we get enough of those? Well, yes, we did. This is different though, that was a count down, now I'm just addressing any damn thing I am interested in. And I am interested in this, probably the gayest slasher movie ever. Yes, gayest. No, not in some Junior High way where gay means lame, instead where gay means homosexual. I present to you the homosexual Nightmare on Elm Street: A Nightmare on Elm Street part 2: Freddy's Revenge.







So yeah, this is the Nightmare on Elm Street no one likes. Why? Well, it isn't actually because we're all giant homophobes, it's because it just doesn't fit. Thing is, the first Nightmare was purposely not set up for a sequel. Wes Craven hates them. He didn't want there to be another, he thought the movie worked best on it's own. He was right. Of course, there was an argument for making a sequel. It was basically this: KA-CHING! That's pretty damn compelling. And it meant a director was left with no real idea of what to do and this was a miss for the series.



As a stand alone movie though it's actually pretty good. This is a good little horror movie about the struggles of a closeted young man struggling with his homosexuality. The issue with this is no one actually went to this movie wanting to see that. Certainly no 8 year olds picked this up for a slumber party going, "Hey, man I got the first 4 Nightmare on Elms Streets, I can't wait to watch 3 movies about Freddy terrorizing people in their dreams and a movie about a young man's struggle and concern as to if he should side with his girlfriend or give in and let a man inside of him". Well, at least no 8 year olds I knew.



So let's get on to the gayness. Yes, I know what I just said there, yes, I know someone will have a field day with that. Consider it a gift. The movie is just full of homoerotic overtones. All slashers are full of phallic metaphores but usually it's a guy girl thing. Probably the first thing it has skewing it this way is the lead. Usually we have a final girl. Here we have a final guy, played by a pretty obviously gay actor and our intro to him is him waking up shirtless, sweaty, and screaming. Pretty soon he and the hunk of the movie are playing baseball, pantsing each other, and then wrestling in the dirt with their pants around their ankles. No, I'm not making any of that up. That is exactly what happens. This guy is his rival to start but they become best friends. They... well it's hard to describe honestly, the way they react to one another reminds me of the time's I'd tease Amanda Mortal in 6th grade because I didn't know yet how to talk to a girl I liked. So you know, that's the general vibe.



Then there is the dance scene. Our main character Jesse dances around in his underwear to a very 80's son, holding a little mini baseball bat between his thighs and stroking it. Why? Man, your guess is as good as mine. Jesse has a girlfriend by the way. She is very nice and very pretty and they pretty much do nothing more than hold hands. Ah, the sad, sad life of a high school beard. His girlfriend really stands out. She would be the final girl in any other movie but here she is the resourceful girlfriend who keeps trying to help her boyfriend deal with his problem, this evil he fears is inside him and wants to come out.



Oh yeah, that's the big part of this movie. Freddy possesses poor Jesse. He even says he wants to be inside him at one point. And he is. Jesse kills for Freddy. Freddy pops out of Jesse sometimes. Most notably when Jesse and his girlfriend are finally alone Jesse freaks out when she bares her breasts. Freddy comes out and kills. Jesse runs to his hunky best friends house in fear of sex with girls and hides in his bedroom with him.



Oh yeah, and his gym teacher is gay. For some reason Jesse wanders into a gay leather club where his gym teacher finds him. The teacher drags him to the school and makes him run laps and then watches Jesse shower. Um, then the gym teacher is tied to the shower heads, stripped and whipped with jump ropes. But my entire point here isn't actually that this movie is gay, that's just something that makes it very interesting. Watching it as an adult it is impossible to see this as anything other than a movie about a kid struggling with his sexuality.



That's what makes this so good actually. Everyone has shit they fear and high school is the fucking worst for this. Jesse wants nothing more than to conform and fit in. He's the new kid in town, he feels like an outsider. The dark secret he is fighting to keep inside only makes this worse. This whole thing is about his desire to fit in and deny what he really is. The movie does well playing with what is where. It is constantly disorienting in a way that is hard to describe but it makes it extremely difficult to know what is and isn't real. We feel off balance the entire movie.



The movie certainly has it's issues and it's gay subtext isn't that forward thinking (Jesse is cured of his possession by a kiss from his girlfriend, when he finally suppresses Freddy through loving a woman). Thing is, if it wasn't Freddy and instead was say, the Night Man (3 people will get that), this would be an excellent 80's horror film. Probably one of the richest 80's horror films when it comes to layers and themes. Which is why I decided to write about it. I have had 2 people watch this movie giving them the heads up to watch it as the gay Nightmare. They both agreed that yes it is very gay and yes, it was way better than they remembered thinking it was.

The ongoing rivalry between my brain and hand

It usually starts something like it did tonight. I was making Spaghetti and my brain decided to throw my hands under the bus. As always. The conversation basically went like this.

Brain: Hey, a little bit is sticking out of the pot. Go ahead, use your fingers and just push them under the water real fast.
Hand: Whoa, wait, what was that? That water is boiling. That's boiling water, don't stick your fingers in there.
Brain: Come on, just do it. It'll be quick. Be a man for once in your life and just shove the fucking spaghetti in there
Hand: Dude, the forks are right behind you. The drawer is almost hitting your ass. You don't even have to move your feet, just twist your waist and grab a god damned fork.
Brain: Oh sure, just grab a fork. It sounds so easy. Of course, then you have to wash the fork. Who wants to wash a fork. You know what that turns you into? Some sort of fork washer. Then you're not just a pussy you're a fork-washing pussy. No one likes a fork-washing pussy, you'll never get laid again. This will be the end of everything for you.
Hand: What? Ok, fine, whatever. Look, you might never get laid again anyway, that's why you need me in good health, we know it's not your brain you're going to be relying on then.
Me: Hey!

Anyway, it dissolved into vulgar lies by my hand after that so I won't force any of you to see that. Either way, it's nice to feel like a man. A man with a pair of throbbing, burned fingers.

Brian is Pissed

I don't see how you can defend those alternative energy monstrosities. Sure, it was fine when it was just the odd old little windmills dotting the countryside, but we're talking about a fucking INVASION now. My dad supported us when I was little by turning a crank at a steady rate for 19 hours a day, you fucker. Guess who gets all the crank-turning jobs now? Yeah.

They take our JOBS, they feed off of our TAX DOLLARS . . . they even take our women. My wife of two years left me for a windmill because it got promoted to shift manager at the crank-turning yard. SHIFT MANAGER. And he doesn't even speak proper English! He speaks that crazy windmill language that's all WOOSH WOOSH WOOSH with the blades cutting through the air

The minigolf course by Fuddruckers was restricted to good, honest folk in my dad's time, and now this FUCKING WINDMILL stands in the middle of the eighth hole and keeps kicking my ball away from the hole, LAUGHING AT ME, and when I shouted at him SECURITY ESCORTED ME OUT. I WAS A PAYING CUSTOMER. FUCK. FUCK YOU.

Work can be so great !

“ Keep mess’n with tha atmosphere … go’n send rockets here n there …. Places we don’t need even need to know about! This'll be what y'all reap!”- Ronnie Martin after talking about the recent Tornado in Iowa that blasted through a boy scout camp

I hope if a disaster happens around here that the local news interviews him so he can provide his opinion on anything!

A Salesman's Breakfast by: Brian Miller

A salesman's breakfast consists of a cup of coffee, usually black, and a cigarette. There are some variations on this but typically this is a salesman's breakfast. This stems not from poverty or any wish for bad health but from boredom. Boredom used to dominate our lives and by the end I was usually drinking about 15-18 cups a day. I didn't smoke you see so I drank the coffee twice as fast while standing outside waiting for fresh ups.

It of course wasn't the only thing we did to relieve boredom. We had games. Our favorite game was called hit on the greeter. We had three greeters who welcomed customers and directed them to the salesmen. Two were named Christine and one was not. The one that was not was old and unattractive and as such any details of her life were unimportant then and certainly are not remembered now. The two Christines though, they were certainly worth our time. Especially the first one. She was in her mid 30's, stunningly beautiful in that slender classic way. She was a single mother working a second job to support her family and so clearly better than the lot of us that it was laughable. Yet every night when she was there 1 by 1 we would try out luck. Striking up conversations with her, trying different ploy after different ploy to... well I don't know what really. It never got that far. Certainly we didn't want anything real. A trip to the back of a Volvo on a satellite lot? Hardly seemed likely but we tried and we failed time and time again.

The second Christine was younger, a student working her way through school. Unlike her older counter part she was shorter, more accurately described as cute and pretty than as beautiful. Not that it stopped any of us from plying out trade. She was more receptive, after all scum bags and liars are typically more attractive to a wide eyed 19 year old than they are to world weary 34 year olds. Of course, the girls we picked up in bars were typically a little better looking and frankly we wouldn't have to see them the next day, so most of us just practiced and moved on, claiming a need to make calls and follow ups. She was pretty though and far more interesting. She had just returned from a semester in Paris, she was an art major, and when Add It Up came on the radio one day we sang the entire song together. She even had a story about being a 14 year old Courtney Love, calling herself Polly for a year and arriving at a school dance in a baby doll, bleached blond hair and a tiara. I of course immediately stood no shot once I began to actually think I had a chance with her. No, she had a rotating crush on Rob and then Larry and then Ruzello and then Kevin and then Artie. See, nature understood what a bad idea the mix of a salesman and a greeter actually would be. So eventually I got bored with the game.

We would torture Larry. We would steal things from the desks of the guys in the Honda Dealership next door. We'd sneak naps in the nap room which was really the boiler room with a shitty orange recliner. We'd listen to Mr. Burns disturbing stories of anonymous, gay mens room sex. I'd put on a long coat and do my stoner impression. We threw tennis balls at a VW logo before one day it came crashing down, we all agreed we'd been working and it had just fallen. And every now and then Steve Campo would come out screaming at us to get to work. Oh how we hated that son of a bitch. He knew we had nothing to do but anytime he was in a bad mood he would tear into us. And he was god damned good at it. It was a real testament to his ability as a salesman that even though we all hated him we all kind of liked him, too. He was one of those truly rotten sons of bitches everyone liked. Of course, he was 4 times divorced so the honeymoon clearly ended at some point.

But we hated that son of a bitch. I'll never forget the day we saw him put some dealer tags on the Z3 we had sitting in the used lot and then ushered the older Christine into it. He smirked at us as he let her in and sped off on the middle of the evening. Artie took a long drag of his cigarette and said to no one in particular though I was the only one there, “I really hate that cock sucker.” I sipped my coffee and nodded.

Derek has AIDS

I want to get back into posting here ...

Three Amigos

Car Party at Domino's

Sad face

i am sad that all of my tim and eric video examples have been removed :(
so enjoy that picture of a spider-man party

Random Review: Chocolate Silk (beverage)

Chocolate Silk

I stopped drinking regular moo-cow fuck milk about ten years ago. I tried Rice Dream, which tasted like talcum powder and water. Soy Dream (Rice Dream’s more successful brother) was a nice upgrade, but the after taste reminded me of when you swim in the ocean and all you taste for the next half hour is salt. Finally, I perched myself in the lactose free tree of Silk. Silk is one of the few brands that I have enough trust in to try all their products. 88% of my diet is cereal, so I’m an avid vanilla Silk junkie, but recently my friend Chuck has been binging on chocolate Silk (which may explain his Wolfman hair). I decided to pick up a carton myself this week and it probably won’t be my last.

First Taste: Whoa…it’s like a Fudgicle died in my mouth. This stuff is awfully sweet, but very refreshing.

After Taste: Well it may take awhile for me to get to the after taste. I’ve been chugging this stuff like the cure for cancer was at the bottom. When I awaken from my diabetic coma I’ll provide a thorough report…if I can keep the carton away from my lips long enough.

Nutritional Value: 3.5g of fat and 19g of sugar per cup. This stuff is flirting with melted milkshake status. Though it does provide a wallop of protein and calcium, chocolate Silk is probably only a healthier alternative to traditional chocolate milk.

Verdict: I doubt I’ll be pouring this stuff into my bowl of Frosted Sugar Bombs, but it’s a great product to keep around when you crave something sweet. For about 3 bucks, I can see myself buying chocolate Silk when the hankering comes.

A solid
3.5/5 cavities.

Deceptive!

This guy transformed right thru the fax and into Matt McKenna's office.

Cloverfield Review

There are very few movies I love that also gave me motion sickness. You can add Cloverfield to the list, along with these classics:




Synopsis Simply Explained: Friends are preparing to see their good friend Rob off to Japan, when it is discovered that his long time friend Beth has recently become a friend with benefits and I aint talkin’ dental…. or am I? I just got lost in my own innuendo. After an argument with Beth, Rob seems distressed and while his friends talk to him on the fire escape all hell breaks loose. Something is tearing through the city like an Exlax burrito and the entire island of Manhattan is under siege. The rest of the story is essentially Rob and company trying to save Beth who is located in one of the buildings the monster has already destroyed. On their way they confront a military throwing everything it has at the monster, news reports that document the horror from a bird’s eye view and finally one of the best aspects of the movie…The Louse. The Louse fall off the monster like parasites, attacking anything moving and we’re all out of that “special” shampoo.

Verdict:
Cloverfield was a great start for movies in 2008. Is it an intellectual piece that will have you thinking for days? No. Is it some overdone romance story involving a triangle of love interest? No, and fuck Atonement. What it delivers is the ability to put the viewer in the middle of a crisis and leads him/her through a roller coaster of events and turns.
I was a little under the weather when I saw this movie, so the shaky camera routine wore on me after awhile. Nonetheless, Cloverfield is an extremely entertaining movie and makes its hour and a half runtime feel like a meager hour and fifteen minutes. It’s a vintage monster movie made contemporary and pulls it off better than some films I won’t mention.



The documentary, Blair Witchesque cinematography works well throughout. Shot through the eyes of Rob’s friend Hud, you do get a more intimate ambiance than if it were shot traditionally. I could have gone without some of the cheesy lines, but that is to be expected. You’ll pray for Hud’s death as soon as he is introduced, but his character is important to the story overall and he comes off more similar to a hero than a boom mic operator.

The special effects are stellar. The audience is denied a full visual of the monster until near the end, but its design is really cool and unique. The Louse are my favorite monsters since the Face Huggers from the Alien series. They look like miniature versions of the Starship Troopers bugs, but beware their bite. Need a hint? KABOOM!!!.... There’s a hint for you.

Overall, I think you can expect this movie to have at least a cult following and as usual you probably can expect a sequel as well. The movie rarely asks you to think, but rather insists that you sit back and keep a bucket under your chin, cause it’s about to melt your face off. After all, during a time where global terrorism is all the rage, it’s nice to see what the real threat is. Alien terrorists aka Space Niggers!

Sweet, Sweet Denise Schnieder

Let me be the first to welcome you all to Golliblogs... You will be wowed by drawings, writings & more ...
Alot of the pen drawings are from Fax-Wars that Matt McKenna and myself participate in. Fax-Wars began small, just a random fax to one anothers workplace with hidden meanings and things that only he or I would recognize and know about ... alot of subliminal imagery , and now we are more blunt and to the point or just plain weird. Sometimes they are crudely drawn on purpose to add to the humor... sometimes they are well drawn and a lot of time is spent just for a fax to bring entertainment and joy to the workplace and now to you...